The Land of Lost PENCILS
By: SASSAFRAS Root
After several complaints of mysterious vanishing pencils at Fort Vista High School, our five star research team here at The Turnip was sent to investigate. After extensive research it has been confirmed that thousands of these beautiful, graphite filled cedar logs have been ruthlessly kidnapped from their loving masters’ satchels. It is in question what kind of heartless monster could have committed such a crime, and how he or she got away unnoticed with so many countless, innocent souls? When student Olivia Johnson was questioned by our top-notch research team on her feelings about the recent abductions she immediately burst into tears. “Just last week my Dixon No.2 pencil with a green eraser was taken from me never to be seen again (sob). His name was Henry, we have been together since freshman year. We have become so close I would even consider him family. I can only imagine the terrible things that must be happening to him. He must be so frightened. I can’t sleep at night knowing that Fort Vista is no longer a safe place and that my beloved Trixie with pink sparkles and my name engraved in her side may be next.”
Yet, the most disturbing of all of these facts is that they all vanished without a trace. After extensive research by our team here at The Turnip, we have uncovered the illusive whereabouts of all of these missing pencils: the place in which everything that vanishes without a trace goes. The 9th circle of hell. Consequently, after three long hours on a bus, our team found themselves in this sickening location. A place riddled with No. 2 pencils, magicians’ rabbits, and the common sense of politicians. Now the only mystery is who has been stealing all of these magical, wonderful belongings and hoarding them here. The Turnip will update our readers with the news as soon as possible, although, our entire research team is having trouble getting back to work.
Thinking: The Real Danger to the Teenage Brain
By: Native Ginger
For many years it has been established that consuming harmful substances like marijuana at an early age can be dangerous. Therefor schools discourage their use among it's students, and ban these substances on campus. But a study released by the Antithetical Brain Center (ABC), a Think Tank headquartered in Progressive City, Alabama, has recently come out stating there is a new danger to students’ developing minds: thinking.
"Fort Vista has been a place where we encourage free thinking and innovation among its students. But we must also keep our students safe." Says front office lady Betty Bureaucrat who lacks any educational experience except for a high school diploma.
After studying this report Fort Vista has decided to ban all forms of thinking, other than memorization.
When asked why they are keeping memorization, Bureaucrat responded, "Well if we banned all forms of thinking then our students would become mindless drones that only understand what we tell them."
With this impeccable logic Fort Vista's students have already begun to lose the signs of free will, such as the ability to question authority.
While some have begun to criticize this new development Bureaucrat assures members of the community that students will continue to learn, "Their memorization skills will be tested every other Thursday on a 52 question multiple choice test. That way they have a good understanding of what the real world is like."
As a consequence of this new policy Fort Vista's standardized test score have gone through the roof, giving them a massively increased budget. With more money than any other school and some of the best student minds in the country Fort Vista has become America’s elite high school.
“With more money we will be able to implement even more and better policies and technologies. One such innovative technology we’re currently looking at will help us standardize the precision of students’ speech. Have you seen The Giver? Great movie, I hear it’s a book too...such an efficient and interesting model.”
http://cinapse.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/The-Giver-Movie-Review-Image-4.jpg
"Fort Vista has been a place where we encourage free thinking and innovation among its students. But we must also keep our students safe." Says front office lady Betty Bureaucrat who lacks any educational experience except for a high school diploma.
After studying this report Fort Vista has decided to ban all forms of thinking, other than memorization.
When asked why they are keeping memorization, Bureaucrat responded, "Well if we banned all forms of thinking then our students would become mindless drones that only understand what we tell them."
With this impeccable logic Fort Vista's students have already begun to lose the signs of free will, such as the ability to question authority.
While some have begun to criticize this new development Bureaucrat assures members of the community that students will continue to learn, "Their memorization skills will be tested every other Thursday on a 52 question multiple choice test. That way they have a good understanding of what the real world is like."
As a consequence of this new policy Fort Vista's standardized test score have gone through the roof, giving them a massively increased budget. With more money than any other school and some of the best student minds in the country Fort Vista has become America’s elite high school.
“With more money we will be able to implement even more and better policies and technologies. One such innovative technology we’re currently looking at will help us standardize the precision of students’ speech. Have you seen The Giver? Great movie, I hear it’s a book too...such an efficient and interesting model.”
http://cinapse.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/The-Giver-Movie-Review-Image-4.jpg
Walking: Good Exercise or Abuse?
By: Bradley Burdock
In Fort Vista High School, It was recently brought to my attention by one of our viewers of the Turnip through our Whiff the Tootle series that Fort Vista High School has committed countless acts of child abuse: withholding valuable parking spots. In America it’s the worst kind of punishment making children walk any insurmountable distance. Especially in California where lows drop well into the mid 60s. The best comparison I can make is the endless loop people make to get five feet closer to the door of their grocery store parking lot; when there are empty “handicapped” spots at the front open ALL THE TIME.
My team and I traveled to Fort Vista where we observed the abuse first hand by walking a substantial 25 yards to the front door. Upon our arrival I caught up with Zachary Quinto, who was at cross country practice, and asked his stance on the abuse. He promptly broke down into tears and proceeded to inform me that he has been walking from the back of the parking lot since he started driving to school early sophomore year. Quinto implied that this has had a very negative impact on his social life. In saying he has made many attempts to obtain a less sucky spot in the parking lot, by going to bed when his grandpa and grandma do, and even eating when they do, in order to wake at an appropriate hour to attempt to get to school early enough for a decent parking spot. Which in turn, has reduced what little social life he had to zero; due to the fact that he simply does not have time for one. I then approached a group of moderately attractive girls, but none the less popular, and ask the head Duchess, Alexandra Cook, how the school was withholding parking spots. she stopped chewing her gum as if it were a part of a ritual of thinking. A good ten seconds later she speaks, “The teachers here so totally suck. They have like totes the best parking in the school. And, what makes it so totally worse, is that they only use half of it.” In true royal fashion her court began agreeing with her all at once in attempt to receive the majority of her attention.
At this moment, we were then confronted by a security guard and asked what our business was in the school. I responded that we had been on campus for well over two hours (a major breach in airtight security) conducting interviews. I then showed him a semi-official badge that meant nothing, and asked to speak to a person of authority. He surprisingly obliged. He took me to the front office where I asked for the principal’s secretary but she wasn't there . We got Patricia Arquette instead. Just another seemingly useless “front office lady”. We asked her many simple questions, that were way above her pay grade, regarding the allegations against the school. She responded as if she were a part of an interrogation. Once I lost hope that this office-lady actually knew anything, she pulled out a pre-written log of appropriate responses and stated “the administration is looking into the matter and is in meeting 4 of the 17 that they have today.” She stated this with such conviction we felt as if were on a game show, and she was answering the million dollar question. We will continue to update this story over the course of the next two weeks until no one cares. However, we will repeatedly say the abuse is likely to continue for many years.
My team and I traveled to Fort Vista where we observed the abuse first hand by walking a substantial 25 yards to the front door. Upon our arrival I caught up with Zachary Quinto, who was at cross country practice, and asked his stance on the abuse. He promptly broke down into tears and proceeded to inform me that he has been walking from the back of the parking lot since he started driving to school early sophomore year. Quinto implied that this has had a very negative impact on his social life. In saying he has made many attempts to obtain a less sucky spot in the parking lot, by going to bed when his grandpa and grandma do, and even eating when they do, in order to wake at an appropriate hour to attempt to get to school early enough for a decent parking spot. Which in turn, has reduced what little social life he had to zero; due to the fact that he simply does not have time for one. I then approached a group of moderately attractive girls, but none the less popular, and ask the head Duchess, Alexandra Cook, how the school was withholding parking spots. she stopped chewing her gum as if it were a part of a ritual of thinking. A good ten seconds later she speaks, “The teachers here so totally suck. They have like totes the best parking in the school. And, what makes it so totally worse, is that they only use half of it.” In true royal fashion her court began agreeing with her all at once in attempt to receive the majority of her attention.
At this moment, we were then confronted by a security guard and asked what our business was in the school. I responded that we had been on campus for well over two hours (a major breach in airtight security) conducting interviews. I then showed him a semi-official badge that meant nothing, and asked to speak to a person of authority. He surprisingly obliged. He took me to the front office where I asked for the principal’s secretary but she wasn't there . We got Patricia Arquette instead. Just another seemingly useless “front office lady”. We asked her many simple questions, that were way above her pay grade, regarding the allegations against the school. She responded as if she were a part of an interrogation. Once I lost hope that this office-lady actually knew anything, she pulled out a pre-written log of appropriate responses and stated “the administration is looking into the matter and is in meeting 4 of the 17 that they have today.” She stated this with such conviction we felt as if were on a game show, and she was answering the million dollar question. We will continue to update this story over the course of the next two weeks until no one cares. However, we will repeatedly say the abuse is likely to continue for many years.
Snidey Claus or Mitchel Grinch?
Saul T. Horseradish
November 17, 2014
Riverside, Fort Vista Highschool
In what’s being called the “Trial of the Century” Mr. Snider has brought suit against Mr. Martino and is accusing him of libel, slander, and, in general, just being a plain ol’ jerk.
But how did this monumental case begin? What morphed these two beloved Fort Vista teachers into litigious lunatics of the highest order?
The American Revolution began with the “Shot Heard Around the World.”
“A day that will live in infamy…” is how President Roosevelt described the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor and our subsequent entry into World War II.
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” is what Ronald Reagan said to herald in the post-cold war era.
“Have you seen my stapler?” is the question that led Milton to burn down the Initech corporate building in the movie Office Space.
How does Snider v. Martino compare to these events? And what exactly started the whole thing?
Intense and around-the-clock research by our crack research intern, Jimmy, has unveiled the following email with the subject line: O-M-G!!!, which is thought to have began the battle of the bearded ones:
OMG guys! I saw the CUTEST sweater at JC Penney last night. It's a Christmas sweater, with little bells, and doves, and the tinniest little gifts...TO DIE FOR.
I found it after was taking my weekly constitutional around the mall with the gals (need to keep my figure).
Now ya'll might be thinking "Why would I take time outa my busy day to write this to ya'll? Well, I was hoping, that we could all wear our own christmas sweaters the whole month of December! I think it'd be the cutest thing, we'd be twinsies, we'd be festive, we'd look classy, we'd spread the reason for the season.
Sleep on it.
With lots o Christmas cheer,
Snidey Claus
The email is thought to have originated from the desktop computer in the Mosaic seminar room. The Riverside Police Department is currently performing lab tests to identify and potentially match fingerprints and bodily fluids to students and teachers in the Collective.
The email, according to Snider in court records obtained by The Turnip staff and by Jimmy, was sent with a malicious intent to defame Snider. Snider has accused Martino of sending the email.
Note: Snider originally accused every teacher in Mosaic before settling on Martino.
Martino, in response to Snder’s accusations, has claimed no involvement in the sending of the email and has himself blamed a glitch in the district’s email program and security protocol, saying, well yelling actually, “I did not do this egregious act! I’ve been framed by the man and/or the woman! The crime simply does not fit therefore you all must acquit.”
Mrs. Dragon, Fort Vista's Chief Emailer and Enforcer, is responding to Martino’s claims and is said to be investigating the potential security issue at the district level.
In an emailed response to our questions, attorneys for the accused back Martino’s comments and are confident that their case will stand the test of the trial, which is being mediated by His Honor Chris Beck, who has been a judge for 36 minutes.
Snider’s attorney did return our email and therefore did not comment on this report.
Also of importance, Mr. Martino was a no-show at this morning’s pre-trial hearing. A bench warrant has been issued for his immediate apprehension and arrest. Castle Rock Police Officer Todd West and part time Riverside resident Dog the Bounty Hunter are said to be actively seeking Martino.
According to Officer West, “The use of brutal force has been authorized to detain Mr. Martino, who is thought to be armed, bearded, and extremely dangerous.”
The “Trial of the Century” is set to start Tuesday, November 18, 2014 at 9:10am. Efforts to gather a jury are currently underway.
Riverside, Fort Vista Highschool
In what’s being called the “Trial of the Century” Mr. Snider has brought suit against Mr. Martino and is accusing him of libel, slander, and, in general, just being a plain ol’ jerk.
But how did this monumental case begin? What morphed these two beloved Fort Vista teachers into litigious lunatics of the highest order?
The American Revolution began with the “Shot Heard Around the World.”
“A day that will live in infamy…” is how President Roosevelt described the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor and our subsequent entry into World War II.
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” is what Ronald Reagan said to herald in the post-cold war era.
“Have you seen my stapler?” is the question that led Milton to burn down the Initech corporate building in the movie Office Space.
How does Snider v. Martino compare to these events? And what exactly started the whole thing?
Intense and around-the-clock research by our crack research intern, Jimmy, has unveiled the following email with the subject line: O-M-G!!!, which is thought to have began the battle of the bearded ones:
OMG guys! I saw the CUTEST sweater at JC Penney last night. It's a Christmas sweater, with little bells, and doves, and the tinniest little gifts...TO DIE FOR.
I found it after was taking my weekly constitutional around the mall with the gals (need to keep my figure).
Now ya'll might be thinking "Why would I take time outa my busy day to write this to ya'll? Well, I was hoping, that we could all wear our own christmas sweaters the whole month of December! I think it'd be the cutest thing, we'd be twinsies, we'd be festive, we'd look classy, we'd spread the reason for the season.
Sleep on it.
With lots o Christmas cheer,
Snidey Claus
The email is thought to have originated from the desktop computer in the Mosaic seminar room. The Riverside Police Department is currently performing lab tests to identify and potentially match fingerprints and bodily fluids to students and teachers in the Collective.
The email, according to Snider in court records obtained by The Turnip staff and by Jimmy, was sent with a malicious intent to defame Snider. Snider has accused Martino of sending the email.
Note: Snider originally accused every teacher in Mosaic before settling on Martino.
Martino, in response to Snder’s accusations, has claimed no involvement in the sending of the email and has himself blamed a glitch in the district’s email program and security protocol, saying, well yelling actually, “I did not do this egregious act! I’ve been framed by the man and/or the woman! The crime simply does not fit therefore you all must acquit.”
Mrs. Dragon, Fort Vista's Chief Emailer and Enforcer, is responding to Martino’s claims and is said to be investigating the potential security issue at the district level.
In an emailed response to our questions, attorneys for the accused back Martino’s comments and are confident that their case will stand the test of the trial, which is being mediated by His Honor Chris Beck, who has been a judge for 36 minutes.
Snider’s attorney did return our email and therefore did not comment on this report.
Also of importance, Mr. Martino was a no-show at this morning’s pre-trial hearing. A bench warrant has been issued for his immediate apprehension and arrest. Castle Rock Police Officer Todd West and part time Riverside resident Dog the Bounty Hunter are said to be actively seeking Martino.
According to Officer West, “The use of brutal force has been authorized to detain Mr. Martino, who is thought to be armed, bearded, and extremely dangerous.”
The “Trial of the Century” is set to start Tuesday, November 18, 2014 at 9:10am. Efforts to gather a jury are currently underway.
STUDENT EXPELLED FOR BRANDISHING A NAIL FILE
BY: IPOMOEA BATATAS
Fort Vista High School has recently adopted a zero tolerance policy in hope that it would make the school a safer environment for all students. As a result of the zero tolerance implementation, the school has expelled student Bradley Denton for brandishing a nail file. When Fort Vista was asked about this expulsion, they said that Bradley was wielding a gateway knife that posed a serious threat to the students and faculty. The school continues to say that they do not affiliate themselves with terrorists.
The Turnip asked Bradley about his expulsion and he says that he believes that he is being targeted because he is a Metrosexual (A young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste). We asked Bradley what happened to cause his expulsion. He says that during class he chipped his nail and, as a result, decided to give himself a manicure. As he pulled out the nail file, his teacher saw the danger immediately and pulled the fire alarm. The students and teachers then evacuated the building while his math teacher stayed inside and very cautiously talked him into holstering his nail file. She is now deemed a hero.
Following this incident, Fort Vista has realized how much of a threat students pose to each other. As a result, the school has banned all branded clothing, belts, beanies, backpacks, as well as books. With these new policies in place, Fort Vista has become a bastion of student liberty and safety.
The Turnip asked Bradley about his expulsion and he says that he believes that he is being targeted because he is a Metrosexual (A young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste). We asked Bradley what happened to cause his expulsion. He says that during class he chipped his nail and, as a result, decided to give himself a manicure. As he pulled out the nail file, his teacher saw the danger immediately and pulled the fire alarm. The students and teachers then evacuated the building while his math teacher stayed inside and very cautiously talked him into holstering his nail file. She is now deemed a hero.
Following this incident, Fort Vista has realized how much of a threat students pose to each other. As a result, the school has banned all branded clothing, belts, beanies, backpacks, as well as books. With these new policies in place, Fort Vista has become a bastion of student liberty and safety.
Fort Vista Hires Hit Man to Reduce Overcrowding.
By: Native Ginger
For many years America’s schools have seen massive budget cuts causing a drop in the quality of student education and a rise in class size causing massive overcrowding. Many different programs have been attempted but none have been as effective as the policy implemented by Fort Vista High School. A hit-man has been hired to eliminate part of the school’s population
“See, our main problem is that we are way too overcrowded,” says administrator Betty Bureaucrat. “There simply isn’t enough money for all of our students to have a proper education. And this is one of the best programs that have been created across the nation to reduce overcrowding, while still having a proper budget. See, FVHS has seen a 500 person decrease out of our 2,000. This has allowed us to spend more money on programs that really matter, like Segways for security guards.”
“See, our main problem is that we are way too overcrowded,” says administrator Betty Bureaucrat. “There simply isn’t enough money for all of our students to have a proper education. And this is one of the best programs that have been created across the nation to reduce overcrowding, while still having a proper budget. See, FVHS has seen a 500 person decrease out of our 2,000. This has allowed us to spend more money on programs that really matter, like Segways for security guards.”
However the hit-man Solution, as called by the district, has come under fire from the animal rights organization PETA saying that it is unlawful to kill caged, innocent students. But Bureaucrats response was “Look at the money we saved! Fully educating a student costs about $7,000 per year. But the hit-man was only $10,000 for just two weeks work and we are saving nearly 3.5 million dollars per year. What a bargain!”
The Turnip has decided to get an opinion on what's been going on using a student perspective. We asked senior Jerry Jock what he thought about the executions.
“Well I mean um, it’s not like they're people really. Um like, they’re just freshmen.”
With this sample from two, completely unbiased sources The Turnip and its staff have decided to side with Fort Vista’s policy on eliminating all of the school’s freshmen.
Because of the hit-man’s success in killing two birds with one stone by reducing overcrowding and giving the budget extra money, we have no doubt that the rest of the country will take up this policy and finally fix our education system.
The Turnip has decided to get an opinion on what's been going on using a student perspective. We asked senior Jerry Jock what he thought about the executions.
“Well I mean um, it’s not like they're people really. Um like, they’re just freshmen.”
With this sample from two, completely unbiased sources The Turnip and its staff have decided to side with Fort Vista’s policy on eliminating all of the school’s freshmen.
Because of the hit-man’s success in killing two birds with one stone by reducing overcrowding and giving the budget extra money, we have no doubt that the rest of the country will take up this policy and finally fix our education system.
Widget is loading comments...